Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Cardboard Cutouts are EVIL.

In the office that my boyfriend and I are working in right now (I'm acting as secretary/graphics designer, it's not so much a job as it is a semi-volunteer thing I was asked to do and I get about fifty dollars a week for babysitting the office, making a few calls and dealing with anyone that comes in, cleaning and organizing all the furniture and whatnot-Boyfriend is only here because otherwise I'd be here all alone and this is a really bad part of town, so it wouldn't be a good idea for a very tiny young girl to be here all by herself, so he comes with his well-over-six-foot-tall-built-like-a-viking self to act as watchdog, and he does his work from here on his computer) there was a lot of stuff brought in that is going to be auctioned off, one of those items being a life-size cardboard cutout of George W. Bush. I wasn't here when all the stuff was brought in (I was helping Zack's mom clean house and prepare for a meeting) so I had no knowledge of this. Zack, being evil, decided to hide it in one of the tiny, dark little closets that we have here.

 When we arrived the day after, he acted concerned, saying that things had been moved from where they previously were and he was worried that there might have been a break-in, and we should make sure no one was still here. I was vaguely suspicious when he, being the very protective type, sent me to check some of the rooms by myself while he checked the kitchenette, but I was nervous and paranoid so I did it anyway. We hadn't turned on the rest of the lights yet, so upon opening the closet door, all I could make out was a very tall humanoid shape (the thing is taller than Zack, and I'm only barely chest-high to him) looming right in the opening of the door. I managed not to scream, but I did jump back with an appropriately startled expression. Zack found this hilarious and laughed his head off, whereupon I exacted my revenge by pouncing on him and snapping like an angry chihuahua. He managed to avoid teeth by virtue of being bigger than me. I tried to get vengeance by setting it right in front of his office door silently (he keeps his door closed and locked at all times) positioned so it would be RIGHT THERE when he opened the door. I eagerly awaited his startled gasp or maybe even a shriek, but when the door opened he simply stated "Well hello, Mr. Bush." moved the thing aside and emerged, grinning triumphantly at me.

This had to be remedied.

It ended up being placed in the dark room right behind Zack's office, at the end of the hall, in front of the open doorway so I could easily glance down the hall from my door and make sure it was still there-never know when those things can wander off on their own you know. I knew that Zack had been watching a lot of Dr. Who lately, and he'd been particularly enamored by the Weeping Angels. Zack had shut the door to the room the cutout was in, since I had freaked out upon entering the hallway and seeing it in the doorway even though I already knew it was there (something that had him howling with laughter for AGES, and I'm pretty sure he terrified the neighbors, what with hysterical male laughter being heard only moments after a horrified female shriek) because it's just that creepy looking. To illustrate how it all happened, and what happened next, you need to know how the office is laid out. Here's a rough approximation of it:

Zack had hidden it in the Closet of Evil at first. In order to keep it within eyeshot, at least from the hallway, I put it in the smaller unused office thingy. This was a mistake.

I emerged from the kitchen, having been doing something there-probably cleaning up or whatever, I forget exactly what...sometimes I just wander around blindly with no idea what the heck I'm doing, I get up out of my chair with a purpose, promptly forget what that purpose was, and go wandering around anyway...and I rounded the corner. I knew the cutout was there already, it hadn't been moved after I'd taken it out of the closet and put it there so I would be able to make sure Zack didn't hide it again-but it was there. In the dark. WATCHING ME.

Zack, naturally, upon hearing my girly shriek came out of his office, asking what was wrong. When I pointed at the cutout and yelped that I knew it was there, I knew but IT WAS STILL CREEPY AS HELL, and he realized that I'd just freaked out upon seeing the cutout even though I had already known it's exact location and thus had NO reason whatsoever to be startled by it, he snorted, but attempted to restrain his laughter.

He succeeded for all of two seconds.

In an attempt to avenge myself and restore my honor, I pounced on him and started snapping like I had done the first time, but he easily held me off. Later on, I tried moving it after Zack had closed the door by going the long way around the hall, through the bigger unused office and taking it and hiding it in the bigger unused office, then coming back around the long way again so he wouldn't hear any opening doors. Later the subject of the evil thing was broached again, and while saying that it was completely harmless and didn't even look all that creepy, he opened the door to the smaller unused office where it was supposed to be contained and-Gone! It vanished when no one was looking at it! JUST LIKE THE WEEPING ANGELS!

Rather than freak out as I had intended him to, he merely got a bit agitated because he thought I might've actually destroyed it as I had threatened to do several times, but it was in the corner of the bigger unused office and was totally fine, so he was placated. I was not.

Still have to figure out a way to get revenge. VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE.

Also he pointed out a framed picture in my hiding place that has George W. on it, wearing a similar grin to the cutout, which I was creeped out by and now the picture IS WATCHING ME so I had to turn it around to face the wall. Zack hasn't noticed it's new orientation.

[EDIT] Yes he has and he's calling me a coward now. D< Aaaand sitting there and staring at me with a weird expression and I can't make him go away. He's making weird faces too.

[EDIT] Zack saw me typing this over my shoulder and made me let him see it, so he brought the dang thing out again to mock me with. It has been banished back into the closet facing the wall. I know he's probably going to pull it out again and attempt to scare me with it but I found a knife in the kitchen supplies box and if that thing pops out at me I will go get the knife and I will stab it in the face!


  1. Be glad it was Bush and not Obama - he would have given anyone a heart attack. Sounds like your boyfriend is a practical joker. Other than exlax in his brownies you might have a hard time getting back at him.

    1. Exlax in the brownies...I hadn't thought of that. :D But I'd have to put it in all of them then, and that could hurt his stomach. D8

      Yes, he does tend to be a joker at times. I need to figure out a good method of revenge, I've never been much good at good-natured type vengeance.