As Professor Farnsworth would say. :3
I did a bit of digging, and evidently even if the company using them only boasts a thirty day return policy, Amazon will still take the item back and give a full refund if it is nonworking or otherwise returned for whatever reason, so I'm returning the dysfunctional drawing tablet and, with the refund, SHOULD be able to get a new tablet within a decent time frame! The UPS guy should be coming to pick it up tomorrow, and as soon as they have confirmation that the UPS guy has in fact picked it up, they will refund me within a few days.
I cannot properly articulate how this makes me feel, so I'll let the Professor do it for me: