Lady Rogue's Handbook

Lady Rogue's Handbook

After reading the Rogue's Handbook at http://www.true-magic.com/writing/rogue.php , I found that it was rather lacking in advice for those of us of the fairer sex-most of it was fairly good advice for one of either gender, but there were a few that specifically catered to males. So, this one is for the ladies!

Bit of an old one that I wrote on my old old OLD deviantart account (Arialyne, if you're curious-that's my old artwork. My new gallery is under the username AlienMink) and have decided to post here.

Anyway, advice for the Lady Rogue!

I will not masquerade as a heroine, as that would encourage the villain to target me first. I'll let the Hero take point.

I will not join the side of the Villain. He would either be abusive towards me, or I would be killed in the crossfire of his and the Hero's epic final battle.

If we are attacked, I will be sure to give at least one loud shriek so the Hero's natural instinct to protect damsels in distress will kick in and I'll have a nice solid shield of flesh swinging a sword around for me and attracting our attacker's attention while I quietly dispatch the enemies I can reach while staying behind him.

I WILL NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THE HERO.

I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH THE HERO. Doing such would make him declare me his one true love, and he would spend all his time trying to convince me to leave my rougish ways behind to become the ideal woman to marry him and have his children, and that would get REALLY damn annoying! Or he'd get me pregnant, which would be even worse.

I WILL NOT BECOME THE HERO'S ONE TRUE LOVE. While it would grant me a great deal of protection by the Hero, the aforementioned convincing would become very annoying, and I would be a prime target for the Villain either to kidnap for ransom or to kill to emotionally destroy the Hero, or I may end up sacrificing myself for him at the end. Any of these outcomes are unacceptable.

I will not compete with the hero's real One True Love. It would eventually culminate in a fight between us in which the Hero would choose his One True Love over me, and I would either be killed or end up losing their loyalty and having to regain it through some cheesy grand gesture, which is totally unacceptable.

I will not dress particularly provocatively or act in an excessively sexualized manner. This would only attract attention from undesirables and possibly get me kidnapped to be a sex slave.

I will keep herbs, medications or any other supplies needed to deal with 'feminine' problems at all times, particularly cramps. While it would be amusing as hell to see the Hero's face when I explain to him that no, I have not been poisoned, my abdominal pain is caused from ovulation, letting it be known in any way that I am fertile would undoubtedly cause me to be kidnapped and raped by the Villain to produce a heir. I will not allow it to be known when I am fertile.

Pertaining to the last one, I will not tell the Hero or Villain I am sterile because of some kind of accident, wound or any other reason. They would undoubtedly prove me wrong.

If we ever have to attend a ball, I will not dance with the Hero. He would unavoidably fall in love with me, particularly if I blushed on any occasion.

I will not blush around the Hero or Villain. They will fall for me, and either one would be a disaster.

I will not sing for any reason, unless the song is a dirty tavern ditty. I will not sing anything pertaining to my past for any reason. The sound of my heartfelt songs would cause SOMEONE to fall in love with me, and it would be a real pain in the ass. Barring that, the Hero would undoubtedly try to pick apart the subtle clues in the songs and try to uncover who I am, and as he learns more about me he'll most likely fall in love with me. Keep yourself a mystery and keep the man-paws off!

If I keep a cute animal sidekick, it will not be something like a bunny or a kitten. It will be cute, but able to defend itself if it needs to, and I will not become particularly attached to it as they have a tendency of being killed. I will also not keep any cute animal sidekick that can't do anything useful. It will also not be too big to simply grab and run with without being weighed down, like a goat or something similar. The only exceptions to this will be bears, tigers or other animals that can really kick ass and can run on their own, and possibly carry me to safety if I need it.

If I get a bounty hunter chasing me, I will not try to seduce him unless absolutely necessary. Most bounty hunters aren't all that attractive anyway, and they won't give up the chase if you show them the night of their lives. In fact, that will only make them chase you more determinedly or fall in love with you. Letting anyone fall in love with you is a real pain.

I will not get drunk with the Hero. We'll end up waking up in a bed together and he'll try to take responsibility for it rather than just putting his clothes back on and forgetting it happened.

I will never offer to trade myself for the Hero, or throw myself in front of him and beg for his life. This will end badly.

I will not hum to myself and take my time bathing in a hot spring or pool out in the woods, where there are places for peeping toms to hide. If I absolutely must take a bath in the woods, I will get in and out of the water as fast as possible, and not do anything remotely provocative while bathing. Both the Hero and Villain would only be attracted to such behavior.

I will not borrow the Hero or Villain's clothes if mine are destroyed or covered in filth beyond repair. For some reason they find it attractive. Instead I will steal some of the Hero's money and buy new ones, or just steal them.

I will never act innocent or heartbroken around the Hero. For some reason Heroes tend to fall in love with the first female they spend extended time with unless they're particularly old or evil, and acting innocent or as if I have had my heart broken in the past will only make it worse.

I will not wear long flowing dresses. They will only get caught on things constantly, make it difficult to run and make me a more likely target for kidnapping, as any attractive non-evil female in a dress=instant love interest.

I will not accept any gifts from the Hero unless I can sell them at once, particularly jewelry that belonged to someone he cared about, has been passed down through his family or have some other emotional value or meaning to him. Lockets and rings on a necklace chain are HUGE no-nos.

If the Hero starts to show romantic interest in me I will promptly kick him in the balls and relieve him of his silly ideas.

If the Villain shows romantic interest in me I will not try to use it to my advantage.

I will under no circumstances allow myself to get pregnant. I would immediately become the most valuable target to the Villain, whether the child was his or the Hero's, and my movement would be impeded after the first few weeks to the point that I would be almost completely helpless, to say nothing of the pain of the childbirth and having to deal with a screaming bundle of headaches.

I will never act motherly or like a big sister to the Hero's One True Love, or a small child we happen across who tags along with us for a while. Emotional attachment would ultimately become my downfall.

I will never cry or become emotional around the Hero for any reason. I will keep large quantities of chocolate on hand in case it's that time of the month and I need something to suppress the emotional side effects of it.

If the Hero is engaged in battle and effectively keeping all the enemies distracted, I will use the opportunity to steal everything of value I can fit in my pockets.

I will be sure to have an outfit with several pockets. Possibly a belt with multiple pouches on it as well.